Hermit Ways

I may be becoming a hermit. Saturday night comes into being, and I prefer to stay home, reading, writing. Or better, I prefer to go out, alone, to a place that is quiet but that has people in it, and sit and read.

A few weeks ago, it was a swimming party where I was. I talked a bit with one guy there and later one woman and felt uncomfortable for the rest--and I knew everyone there. This weekend, it was my friend Andy's birthday party. It was a party with Chris Top, whose birthday it also was. I didn't think I knew Chris, but it turned out I did--we'd gone to a baseball game earlier in the year together. But outside of those two, I didn't know anyone. Everyone seemed much younger than me. And really, I wanted to be at home--doing my laundry, giving myself a haircut.

I stood around staring at the sky, listening to music, eating cake, and generally looking stupid. If I'd been smart, I'd have insisted on inserting myself into someone's conversation, and yet I didn't feel up to it.

That didn't stop me from getting dragged into a conversation with a couple of friendly folks. It was Chris Top and some woman from Germany. We talked of Southern California (Chris is from San Diego, me from L.A., and the German girl was thinking of moving out there). Then Chris went away, and it was just me and the girl. I didn't know what to say, but I made small talk all the same. She was post-doc in biology, so I asked about her projects: sunflower genetics.

Do you really want to know? she asked. Yes, I said. I did. She told me. But even she seemed bored when she told me about it. Try as I did to encourage her to share with me her work, I sensed I only managed to prolong her own boredom. Eventually, she wandered off to get a drink. And me? I wandered off to do some laundry and shave my head.