Famous Fears Fear Not

Dear Big Hair: I don't need advice, but I have a question you might be able to answer: Do famous actresses have straight hair because they're famous, or do they get famous because they have straight hair? Put another way, do you have to straighten your hair to become famous (as an actress), or, once you're famous, is it just understood that you'll straighten your hair? A related question is, Can you think of any actresses whose "before" hair is straight while her "after" hair is curly? I can't. --Not Wanting to Become Famous; Just Wondering

Dear Not Wanting to Become Famous; Just Wondering: That you do want to become famous is evident from the question. Your uncertainty about your abilities to do so is evident in your name, which straddles two identities, not wanting to commit to anything too wholehearted. Fear not, you curly-haired woman. There is plenty of room for you in Hollywood. You are forgetting the many curly-haired women who have come to our screen. Most recently would be Kate Hudson, of Almost Famous fame and of that other movie about her being an aunt to two kids she inherits and doesn't want (yeah, I know, you didn't see it, like I didn't and like so many others). In the seventies, there was Shirley Henderson or whatever her name was, the woman who played the owner of the diner on What's Happening? Now those were some curls. More impressive than her, though, is the greatest actress of ALL TIME, Shirley Temple, who was absolutely famous for her curls. What would she have been without them? (I will admit that curls tend to go better on the kid actresses, but if you're relatively young--say under twenty-five--you should have no problem squeezing into roles down to age ten.) As for whether I can think of any actresses who curled their hair in fame when they had straight hair before fame, the answer is I haven't know any actresses before they became famous. Do you think I'm a stalker or something?

And let's not forget the many fine actors with curly hair as well, like Carrot Top.

Keeping Up Appearances

Dear Big Hair: Recently, my boyfriend told me that I would never be a good writer because I don't have the proper hair. My boyfriend tells me that writers always have short hair, even women, and glasses. If they are women, it's that sort of punky hair--or it would be punky, if they were to dye it purple but usually they just leave it like normal. I'm very distraught. I love my hair. It is big. Can women with big hair be writers? --Big-and-Beatific Kerouac Wannabe

Dear Big-and-Beatific Kerouac Wannabe: Your boyfriend is a ninny. Of course you can still be a writer with big hair. The issue isn't whether you can be a writer but what kind of writer you want to be. Here are some of the kinds of writers who have big hair: (1) romance novelists (particularly those from Texas); (2) eighties music hipsters who were hip but are no longer and don't yet know it; (3) ummmm. Okay, that leaves two options open for you. I'd go for the second. I think they're a happier breed, living in their past but thinking it's the present, rather than living in their future dreams and waiting for them to arrive. Your chosen nom de plume (that's French for pen name, Ms. Kerouac Wannabe) suggests to me, however, that you want to write like a beat. Big hair, unfortunately, will not work for that. Can you see Kerouac with some huge pompadour and long strings rolling down his back? The guy would have gotten his hair caught in a passing car. To be a beat, you'll need to cut your hair drastically, probably in line with your ninny boyfriend's suggestion. I would, however, choose, instead, to be a hippie writer. At least then, you could keep your hair--though blowdrying and washing would be no-nos. I'm afraid you'll have to settle for dirty, unkempt, and flat--but at least you'll still have the long tresses for when you want to become a New York society maven writer to the stars.

For hair advice, write no1bag@gmail.com.

Rabbit Trouble

Dear Big Hair: My hair looks like lettuce? You know, it's green and rabbits like to eat it. It's awful trouble. What should I do? --Not a Vegetable Hater

Dear Not a Vegetable Hater: Your name suggests to me that you might usefully put your hair to use in a salad. No reason to let the rabbits have what you very well could use for yourself, unless of course you have some pet rabbits, in which case, you can save on rabbit food. A good salad, should you decide to go that route, includes feta cheese, olive oil, vinegar, olives, tomatos, and a little cilantro. You could easily do the oil and vinegar right on your head--and you could probably get the feta to stick--saving yourself the trouble of dishes. But for the true experience, you'll probably need a bowl and a good haircutting before hand. I suggest you cut your head, directly over the bowl.

For hair advice, write no1bag@gmail.com.

When Wigs Grow Old

Dear Big Hair: I have a dilemma. I started going bald at age eleven. Since age twelve, I've worn a wig. None of my friends know that this isn't my real hair, and unfortunately, last month, the wig manufacturer stopped replicating my particular hairdo and color. My wig is in need of desperate repair due to an incident with a racoon at a swimming pool. What should I do? If I change wigs now, everyone will know--or at the least, they'll think I'm dying my hair, which would be sissy. I don't want to be a sissy. --Sixteen and Desperate

Dear Sixteen and Desperate: Be a man. Suck it up. Most guys go bald eventually, and the fact that you're in high school shouldn't stop you from taking your lumps now. You're a freak. Acknowledge it, live with it, and move on.

For hair advice, write no1bag@gmail.com--or post your question as a comment to the most recent posting.